My life in pills

This picture is of what I take every morning. Every morning, with each uncapped bottle I get sad. The rest of my life cannot be like this; ingesting all these pills meant to keep me on the straight and narrow, cool, calm, and collected. 

I'm a runner. Lately all I can think about is running. It's my time of solitude, just me and my body and my limits. Study after study mentions exercise is good for depression. The runner's high is fab when I finish but then the next morning back to the medicine cabinet I go. 

Have there been successful med weaning for those labeled as Major Depressive/Anxiety Disorder? I sure do hope so.

Dear Daughter: Don't ever fear me please

Dear Daughter,
No words can be written to express my love for you. You brighten my life, even when many of my days are dark.

Never fear me when I am low, for this I beg you with all my heart. It is such fear that scarred me growing up, I do not want the same for you. Mommy has issues and I do my best to keep them hidden from you but sometimes I am too weak.

Don't ever walk on eggshells around me. Don't wonder what you have done and don't do things in hopes to make me happy.

With you I am always happy, even if I am in a dark room with tear swollen eyes. You are happiness. You are my strength.

Love.
Mommy

Let the good times roll

"X said my mommy is mean and doesn't like her."

For crap's sake! In case you are a new follower, I have some "personnel" issues, particularly with X. So what's the issue?

I have been graciously allowing X to fully enjoy a relationship with my B.  There was a full year that X was not present in her life, but that's not the case now. There is no relationship between X and myself other than my daughter. Conversations for the most part stay on one subject, B. The discussion of X and what she had done to me is limited in front of B. I consciously try to not taint B's perception of X so there can be a "normal" relationship between the two.

Yep, I was preparing for a conversation sometime in her teens that starts something like this "Why don't you like X, she is great?" at that point is when I would sit down and produce the file containing all the "why that relationship had to be severed" information. I am not expecting a pat on the back from my daughter for the sacrifice I will have afforded her over the years to develop her own relationship with X. No, I am expecting her not to believe that X could have been so vile. As I said, I was preparing for this well after she is 3.5 years old.

BAM! A weekend away with X and B tells N what X said and then asked N if I was a mean mommy! B didn't want to tell me! Oh WTF! Thankfully B said I was a nice mommy and she loves me.

Here is my gut reaction: No more contact with B for X.  If X is willing to start feeding things to B this early I can only imagine what I'll be dealing with by the time she is 14, hating me, knows everything, and X is the best thing in her world.  Her therapy fund is going to need to be upped big time!

Meds are working, now to address the anxiety

I am going on almost 2 months with the new meds and I have to give my rxHH some cred. Stability is attained, no dips in my day to day, no gloom and doom, no feeling like a lead balloon. Now with the big D out of the way the big A has a smoother path to travel. My rxHH said she'd like to see me "calmer" so we have to figure out that side of the equation. 

Hmm, calmer. I thought I was pretty calm minus the couple times a day screaming my head off like a complete asshole because I get tired of repeating myself a gazillion times. I haven't felt like jumping out of my skin or not being able to breath. My mood swings if any are completely justified...like when all I get talked to in is QUESTIONS. That would make anyone, balanced or not go apeshit, wouldn't it? I mean come on if the only human interaction you have is the other person just barraging you in a stream of questions, you'd drop a few f bombs then not want to speak to anyone, right?

My crazy ass anxiety dreams are back full force which doesn't make for sound sleep which just helps perpetuate the fabulous cycle. I'm like that motorcycle rider stuck in the wire sphere at the circus. Only way to stop is to fall off the damn bike and pray the clowns open the emergency hatch once noticed. 

So, that's my update. All is well in Chemical-Imbalanced Town. :-)

Oh, I do want to take some time and write a few posts on what I've recently read about depression and it being cured by asking Jesus into your life. Yep, I have a fabulous dissertation ready to argument that thesis! Hold on to your Habits for that one! :-)

Thank you @TheBlogess, The depression closet is less cramped now!

Soooo, there's this blogger, The Blogess. She's snarky, foul mouthed, a great writer, very popular in the blogosphere, my age, and just plain cool. Well, she came out of the depression closet the other day. [insert clapping and whistling here, if you have the energy, if not I totally get it] Her post blew up! Went viral and from my last check she received over 2000 comments on it! Most were from others like us ('she and I' cause now we are a team...OK not really but in my head we are now bestie depressies) who have suffered for a long time and are  happy to see someone talk about it.

As I read her post with tear filled eyes (Of course she posted it during one of my down episodes) I wanted to hug her and say congratulations for getting it fully off her chest, explaining it so eloquently, and for making her peeps completely understand. My favorite part of her whole post that sums up the battle with the beast perfectly is:

"When you come out of the grips of a depression there is an incredible relief, but not one you feel allowed to celebrate.  Instead, the feeling of victory is replaced with anxiety that it will happen again..."

As I look back in all my years and recollect memories of actions and conversations with friends I realize I have always talked about me and my parasitic twin Depression. Its just that I wasn't in a hospital gown with my ass hanging out, eyes gaunt from not seeing the sun, and tranquilized up to high heaven that no one caught on to the degree of which I was talking about it. 

When I finally sat my friends down to explain that HEY I'M CHEMICALLY IMBALANCED AND ON MEDS, HAVE BEEN FOR YEARS, I got the obligatory "Oh I was depressed when I broke up with my boyfriend for a month, it was horrible" type responses or the utter fear-in the eyes like I'm gonna go all Natural Born Killers at that moment.  I in response rolled my eyes and in my head screamed a big "fuck you" and moved on. Oh, I especially love all the advice "you should change your diet, it'll make you feel better" "get out more, have some fun" "pray about it", and the Piece de resistance question "do you want to kill yourself?"

I have since stopped talking to my friends about the battle I constantly conquer. Thank god for medically trained therapists who understand the disease and instead of asking asinine questions actually ask, "how's it been lately".  Have I mentioned before how much I love my HH? Well I do.

I will note that since my coming out many of my friends have come to me in confidence with sincere questions and asking for advice because they too have been going through a spell they are ashamed to talk to anyone else about. For this I am thankful I can't keep my mouth shut about depression and my meds, and that I post my vulnerability and weakness for all to see, cause damn it, it's helping make others stronger.

What happens when I can't sleep

Last night after a rough day I doubled my anxiety med dosage to really help me sleep. Oops! My theory backfired and I was jacked up with energy til about 3am!

What better to do than my nails. Problem was the poor lighting. I thought I was putting on a pretty pink polish. I woke to this fluorescent orange-pink that can stop traffic!

It makes me chuckle so that's good at least.