Depression & Cupcakes

Meds are working, now to address the anxiety

2012-01-31T08:34:00.000-08:00

I am going on almost 2 months with the new meds and I have to give my rxHH some cred. Stability is attained, no dips in my day to day, no gloom and doom, no feeling like a lead balloon. Now with the big D out of the way the big A has a smoother path to travel. My rxHH said she'd like to see me "calmer" so we have to figure out that side of the equation.

Hmm, calmer. I thought I was pretty calm minus the couple times a day screaming my head off like a complete asshole because I get tired of repeating myself a gazillion times. I haven't felt like jumping out of my skin or not being able to breath. My mood swings if any are completely justified...like when all I get talked to in is QUESTIONS. That would make anyone, balanced or not go apeshit, wouldn't it? I mean come on if the only human interaction you have is the other person just barraging you in a stream of questions, you'd drop a few f bombs then not want to speak to anyone, right?

My crazy ass anxiety dreams are back full force which doesn't make for sound sleep which just helps perpetuate the fabulous cycle. I'm like that motorcycle rider stuck in the wire sphere at the circus. Only way to stop is to fall off the damn bike and pray the clowns open the emergency hatch once noticed.

So, that's my update. All is well in Chemical-Imbalanced Town. :-)

Oh, I do want to take some time and write a few posts on what I've recently read about depression and it being cured by asking Jesus into your life. Yep, I have a fabulous dissertation ready to argument that thesis! Hold on to your Habits for that one! :-)

Thank you @TheBlogess, The depression closet is less cramped now!

2012-01-05T07:43:00.000-08:00

Soooo, there's this blogger, The Blogess. She's snarky, foul mouthed, a great writer, very popular in the blogosphere, my age, and just plain cool. Well, she came out of the depression closet the other day. [insert clapping and whistling here, if you have the energy, if not I totally get it] Her post blew up! Went viral and from my last check she received over 2000 comments on it! Most were from others like us ('she and I' cause now we are a team...OK not really but in my head we are now bestie depressies) who have suffered for a long time and are happy to see someone talk about it.

As I read her post with tear filled eyes (Of course she posted it during one of my down episodes) I wanted to hug her and say congratulations for getting it fully off her chest, explaining it so eloquently, and for making her peeps completely understand. My favorite part of her whole post that sums up the battle with the beast perfectly is:

"When you come out of the grips of a depression there is an incredible relief, but not one you feel allowed to celebrate. Instead, the feeling of victory is replaced with anxiety that it will happen again..."

As I look back in all my years and recollect memories of actions and conversations with friends I realize I have always talked about me and my parasitic twin Depression. Its just that I wasn't in a hospital gown with my ass hanging out, eyes gaunt from not seeing the sun, and tranquilized up to high heaven that no one caught on to the degree of which I was talking about it.

When I finally sat my friends down to explain that HEY I'M CHEMICALLY IMBALANCED AND ON MEDS, HAVE BEEN FOR YEARS, I got the obligatory "Oh I was depressed when I broke up with my boyfriend for a month, it was horrible" type responses or the utter fear-in the eyes like I'm gonna go all Natural Born Killers at that moment. I in response rolled my eyes and in my head screamed a big "fuck you" and moved on. Oh, I especially love all the advice "you should change your diet, it'll make you feel better" "get out more, have some fun" "pray about it", and the Piece de resistance question "do you want to kill yourself?"

I have since stopped talking to my friends about the battle I constantly conquer. Thank god for medically trained therapists who understand the disease and instead of asking asinine questions actually ask, "how's it been lately". Have I mentioned before how much I love my HH? Well I do.

I will note that since my coming out many of my friends have come to me in confidence with sincere questions and asking for advice because they too have been going through a spell they are ashamed to talk to anyone else about. For this I am thankful I can't keep my mouth shut about depression and my meds, and that I post my vulnerability and weakness for all to see, cause damn it, it's helping make others stronger.

What happens when I can't sleep

2012-01-04T09:32:00.001-08:00

Last night after a rough day I doubled my anxiety med dosage to really help me sleep. Oops! My theory backfired and I was jacked up with energy til about 3am!

What better to do than my nails. Problem was the poor lighting. I thought I was putting on a pretty pink polish. I woke to this fluorescent orange-pink that can stop traffic!

It makes me chuckle so that's good at least.

Trigger Happy

2012-01-04T08:17:00.000-08:00

Oh the triggers that can send you from happily having a grip on life to spiraling down an emotional vortex. Here's the recollection of my recent trigger moment that sadly I am still recovering from.

About a week before Christmas my B sent an email with a letter attached to M. That's cool, he's gonna start his healing with her. MY BAD! The letter was a seething jumble of anger. Best part was that it mentioned ME too may times and essentially once the dust cleared, threw me under the bus. A Klonopin and couple hours later B called to see what I thought. Well, I told him. As he was getting angrier on the phone I kept trying to keep in check that he is probably in a cycle right now and nothing I say or do will cool the situation and my crying like a woman held hostage at gun point was not helping the matter.

Here's something you don't say to someone who is in treatment to make life better: "when do you see your therapist next because your reaction to this is not healthy." WHOA! Funny, his words then triggered the memory of M coming down from a cycle at B's wedding and having made a complete ass of herself apologizing by saying "well I guess K didn't take her meds that day".

I want B to reconcile with M. I want there to be healthy dialogue between the two. I want him to feel her love again. BUT, the way he goes about reconciling he needs to keep in check. His reconciling cannot include me. I am one of her triggers and she is mine.

I have not confronted M. My method of healing was walking away and focusing on ME. Yes, she is now in my life once a week to see my DD but that is as far as it goes. My healing is knowing she is toxic, she does love us, and she has an un-treated disease which will always bring her back to me, the "bad" person, justifying in her mind and logic the right to aim and fire all artillery no matter what the original trigger for her war is. B does not understand this. He does not understand fully the disease that M suffers, nor the disease I live with. No, he sadly believes he's the healthiest of the bunch, even when he rages, has his manic highs of inspiration, and his depressing lows of pity and weakness.

The Follow-up.

That evening I did see my rxHH, Normally she's not who I talk to in depth about things, she's my rx hander-outer is how I look at it. No, we normally talk about our daughters who are one week apart in age. After talking about my med usage and self diagnosed stoppage and her suggestion to try something new she then asked, any panic attacks lately. Well, none of the textbook kind but then I started to spew about B's letter. She asked to read it. When she was done her face got distorted and a bit red.

Her response left me feeling less crazy and more concerned. "Well, that is an angry letter. Even if the recipient didn't have a mental illness she'd be very angry from the first sentence and furious by the end. If B really wanted her to get help, this is certainly not the way to do it. Maybe he should just send a card with a therapist's card in it. He doesn't understand M's illness. He does throw you under the bus in the letter, for that you are not over reading. I want to see you in 3 weeks and I promise not to be late for my appointment."

Three weeks. Promising not to be late for the appointment? Oh shit. I tell the receptionist three weeks, we both look at each other like "wow, someone is fucked up" then notice no availability then. So as I normally do I just say, lets go five or six, At that point Receptionist, still with the concerned look on her face (I've been going there almost 3 years so she and I are like old friends), says she needs to make sure this time its ok with the doctor. She comes back with an even more concerned almost frightened look and said, no, the doctor wants you back in three weeks. We will schedule for 5 but call you during the third week to squeeze you in or fill in a cancellation.

Next week is 3 weeks. Of course I've been in a funk, have had some nighttime panic attacks, and overall just feeling blah. Perfect. My rxHH does know what she's talking about.

I like to Funk

2012-01-03T17:11:00.001-08:00

Ok, really, no, I don't like to funk. Of course the chemicals in my brain love to funk it out!

My rxHH has me trying out more meds. They made me forget the funk for about a week but put pink dreads in my hair and call me George, the funk came back.

I should have figured it. Last week I was having some crazy-ass dreams that resembled my years' old recurring one with new characters and updated scenery. Two nights ago my hubs woke me up because I was screaming help me in my sleep. Last night was restless and today the funk has washed over me like a cloud of smoke from Mr. Clinton's hookah.

So tonight I'm eating peanut butter for some needed protein, popping my anxiety pill, and holding tight to keep my footing during this swirling time of funk.

Quote of the Day

2011-11-28T04:54:00.001-08:00

I never know how to respond to "What's good?" Life? Everything? Cupcakes & rainbows & puppies? What is the appropriate answer? -Author Unknown

Food Addict Not Anonymous time to paint my nails

2011-11-19T07:12:00.001-08:00

Well I made it to my rxHH. I neglected to tell her I have not been on any meds since September and that I feel pretty OK. No major dips, no major highs, just OK. She is going to try me on another new med....so new the pharmacy didn't have it in stock and I have a co-pay assistance voucher from the pharma to help pay for it. I told her I liked the Lexipro so instead I'm trying something new.

I met with my HH this week also. We addressed my eating addiction. I explained to her it is an addiction. She likened it to being a cutter. I feel nothing so when I gorge to the point of literal discomfort and mental anguish, I finally feel something, even if it's negative.

Thinking back, I never cut myself as a child. I restricted my food intake dangerously, worked out to excess, and occasionally dropped some melted plastic on my leg. Hmmm.

Behavior modification is now the prescription from HH. I must do something that makes a positive or not negative feeling when I find myself reaching for food or thinking about it. I've decided to focus on my nails. Now the funny thing is I bite my nails. Gosh do I love biting my nails. Anyways, I am going to work on my nails...fake as of right now, when I have that numb feeling.

Last night I began. I now have China Glaze Pelican Gray base, Black french manicure tips, and on my pinky its topped with a gold glitter that B picked out. I'm waiting for the top coat to dry so I can then get back to work...I have a birthday cake to decorate for a party tonight!

It's the food that makes fat, not pills

2011-11-06T08:49:00.000-08:00

Oh the joys of keeping control. I've been avoiding my rxHH while continuing the experiment on myself about the meds and weight gain. So far my unofficial finding is: the meds cause me to not notice all the food I'm putting in my gullet! Funny, Lexipro helped me get stuff done, to just do it. The generic blocked out what I was doing (eating) and has thus made me feel the fool!

It's autumn, my favorite season. Lots of baking is going on around here. The challenge I've proposed is to not succumb to the devilish taunting of these delicious creations. Just bake them and serve them. That being said, here are a few of the cupcakes I made this weekend. Lemon/Lemon is now my new favorite...for which I will have to show great constraint and will power to just enjoy via viewing and not consuming.

Nothing beats White on White

These are Pumpkin Pie Spice with Vanilla Buttercream

OH, I made come cookie trays too!

Dear Celexa, You suck.

2011-10-06T14:42:00.000-07:00

My rxHH prescribed Celexa for me as a money savings option for Lexipro. Well guess what? I'm in that 1% that is blessed with the weight gain side effect! The past 3 weeks I have been on it I have been gaining exponentially! Seriously, I'm like a tick about to pop. All other variables have remained the same. I tried blaming it on my eating, but that has been as usual. On my way to my HH I was going over what I needed to address with her, main thing: this weight. Then it hit me. Maybe I should read up on the side effects of this new drug. When I discussed it with her, she too agreed and suggested I speak to my rxHH to change back to the L drug.

Today, as I squeezed myself into my sausage casing girdles I reached my breaking point. It's not advised to quit happy pills cold turkey so I'm cutting my mg down and making an appointment asap to get this changed. How sad the pills that are to help you out of depression can actually make your depression worse!

Ok, no more dwelling on this. Time to take action and get the past 3 weeks gain gone in time for the traditional, expected, holiday weight gain!

Sleep is good for you, if you can actually do it!

2011-09-22T07:09:00.000-07:00

One of my newest pals & kindred spirit has written some e-books on anxiety at EverydayStress.com. He highlights that sleep is key to minimizing anxiety, and I strongly believe that! I have been running on fumes the past few weeks and it has hit me. Even my anxiety meds are not working! How messed up does one have to be when the strong "don't panic or go ape-shit" drugs don't work! My rxHH prescribed them to be taken before bed to help me sleep without any attacks so I can get some restful sleep. Yeah, not working, they are actually aiding in my insomnia. Oh well. I'm hoping after tomorrow, when my schedule clears up I'll get some major hours of sleep and wake up feeling human again. Stay tuned...

Is suicide selfish? Depends on which end you are on.

2011-09-10T12:56:00.000-07:00

I just saw the tag line "Is suicide selfish" while trolling the web. Without reading the argument my blood started boiling over the subject. Let me preface: I have never attempted suicide and never plan to. There is a distinct difference between suicide and wishing you did not exist. If you don't live with depression, it's hard to wrap your head around the semantics.

Is suicide selfish? I have known people who have committed suicide. The pain, questions, and anguish for those left behind is indescribable. For those left behind, suicide is selfish. How dare someone they love so much do this to THEM!

Suicide I believe, is not an F You to the world and those you love. Actually, it is the most coherent and controlled thing the victim feels he or she is doing. It is at the moment of the decision that finally peace is attained and the mental demons defeated.

Prior to my start of meds and therapy, on more occasions than not, I would lay in bed, eyes closed, begging not to exist anymore. Hoping to not wake up and have to carry such an arduous load. But I did get out of bed. I put on my lead jacket of depression and fulfilled my duties. When I finally hit rock bottom and couldn't carry it anymore I sought help.

Sadly, if the help I sought did not help me, who knows, I may have taken literal control of my life and laid it to rest.

All this said, I believe that suicide is not selfish.

Sometimes life calls for more than a cupcake

2011-09-09T19:03:00.001-07:00

A chocolate shake WITH whipped cream. That's the kinda day I've had. No meds are as therapeutic!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Borderline Personality Disorder, Thanks for the help!

2011-08-27T07:01:00.000-07:00

The tone of her voice, the choice of words, the tightness of her jaw-I knew this tone. It only meant a wrath was next. Normally, I would fear that tone, my heart beat faster, palms sweat, fight or flight kick in, my mind going into emergency mode asking "What are the plans A, B, C once the wrath is unleashed? How can I protect myself emotionally while still standing tall in its wake?"

Not this time. Fear was replaced with pure anger and pity. An odd combination. I tell myself "Listen to her rant, she needs to rage-it’s her mind’s way of comforting her in times of fear and uncertainty.Don’t laugh out loud at the preposterous lies flying off her tongue. Somewhere deep inside her psyche she wants to believe them, crazy as they may be."

Her rage and anger is not because of me or my husband. She hates herself. She hates The Sickness. Sadly The Sickness is stronger than her. Oddly she finds comfort and acceptance in The Sickness.

The Sickness is dependable. It shows up in those stressful times where clarity and logical judgment wants to take charge. Those are the scary beasts. Clarity and logic make the skies seem blue, and the grass green. No, this cannot be. The Sickness comforts by assuring that the sky is orange and grass is gravel, that those who smile are hiding evil and The Sickness is not a crutch but is her strength. The Sickness puts it all right for her. The Sickness is her only true friend.

The Sickness I can identify just by a tone in the voice, the tightness of the chin, the lost look in the eyes.

I used to be an innocent target for The Sickness’ fury. No more. I am stronger that their (yes, more than one person in my life) sickness. I have the upper hand. Funny, their sickness has finally given me the power to fortify my boundaries and not allow it in to disrupt.

Thank you BPD for providing me the clarity to know the sky is blue, the grass is green and that I am strong and healthy.

If you or someone you know suffers from BPD there are many web resources to help you! Here are a few:

http://bpdfamily.blogspot.com/
http://www.bpdcentral.com/index.php
http://www.borderlinepersonalitydisorder.com/

Quote of the Day

2011-08-22T20:55:00.000-07:00

“Don't wait until everything is just right. It will never be perfect. There will always be challenges, obstacles and less than perfect conditions. So what. Get started now. With each step you take, you will grow stronger and stronger, more and more skilled, more and more self-confident and more and more successful.”

-Mark Victor Hansen

On the menu: Crow

2011-08-21T20:50:00.000-07:00

Whoa! The past few weeks have been CRAZY. For Real! A couple weeks back my N was in a bad way. His M contacted me begging to help her get him in a hospital before it was too late. They show up on a Friday night and by Saturday night around 9pm the cops are called to the ER to subdue him. He earned a ticket to the 5th floor that night as he spat out threats to all of us...out of fear. He was diagnosed Major Depressive, Anxiety Disorder, Anger Disorder and ADD. Poor kid. The scariest part was watching the Social Worker's eyes as he told us N was a danger to himself and others. Later I find out he used the words homicidal when speaking to my husband and security. WOW!

Now lets turn it back to me (Sometimes I really think Narcissism should be added to my M.O.). I managed to have 2 full blown panic attacks while N was hospitalized. Then last week, even better: I had 2 panic attacks WHILE SLEEPING! I hate those. I was useless after the second one...like I had been run over by a bus.

Aside from the psych ward & panic attack experiences I will blushingly admit that my rxHH may be on to something with my Lexipro script. I have to say that I have been able to live. To get things done and to not fall too hard and to bounce back quicker. I see her on Thursday. I will make sure to floss the feathers from my teeth.

My Shrink is a Pill Pusher

2011-07-27T14:37:00.000-07:00

Ok, so she may not be a pill pusher...but I do have a strong disdain for immediately trying to "fix" something by offering a script. My HH explained that rxHH's figure things out by what meds work and don't. Here's my question: How the hell does my rxHH know if I'm leaving out some important details or lying to her when she asks how I'm doing?

Well, I've been doing craptacular and I know it's because I stopped my meds. So, I took her up on her pill pushing prescription offer and jumped on the Lexipro bandwagon. I hate that I'm now on the #1 prescribed anti-depressant in the country of which I'm certain it's the talent of the pharma reps not the pills that got it to it's rank. PLUS my insurance doesn't cover it so it costs a hell of a lot more than my Wellbutrin. WTF!

Mainline Cupcakes

2011-06-21T06:25:00.000-07:00

What could be better than a delicious, icing covered cupcake? How about injecting the sugary goodness straight to into your veins? Yeah, a bit drastic. Here's the next best thing:

ShortyCAKE Push-Ups! It's like a cake in a syringe that you inject through your gullet! Genius! No more waisting time peeling the cupcake wrapper when trying to gorge, just push the cake into your mouth and instant relief!

Go here to order your own!

Quote of the Day: The Courage to be Yourself

2011-06-06T05:01:00.000-07:00

Confronting our feelings and giving them appropriate expression always takes strength, not weakness. It takes strength to acknowledge our anger, and sometimes more strength yet to curb the aggressive urges anger may bring and to channel them into nonviolent outlets. It takes strength to face our sadness and to grieve and to let our grief and our anger flow in tears when thy need to. It takes strength to talk about our feelings and to reach out for help and comfort when we need it.

-Fred Rogers, The World According to Mister Rogers: Important Things to Remember

(Diet) Coke-Chocolate Cupcake

2011-06-03T08:02:00.001-07:00

These extremely moist and delicious cupcakes have no added fat!

1 chocolate box cake mix
12 oz Diet Coke
1 Banana (optional)

Combine the mix and coke until moistened. Spoon into cupcake pans. Bake a few extra minutes more than normal. Yields 24.

Heads up, if you are used to cupcakes baking with a big dome, these will not do that! No dome=moister cake!

Sprinkle with powdered sugar for a bit of flair without the fat!

Enjoy!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Oh, I'm totally asking for it!

2011-06-03T06:35:00.000-07:00

This week I've been feeling great. Let me clarify. I've been feeling mentally fabtacular. Physically, I had an injured foot from my race on Saturday so I've had to rest, ice, anti-inflame, heat the foot everyday. Today I woke with just a murmur of pain. This means...training starts today! I've got 22 weeks until my first 1/2 marathon and between now and then I need to drop at least 2 pounds a week and stay on my running schedule! (I received my pics from the race and talk about a fat wake up call. Looking at myself made me nauseous. Reality Check bit time! Why don't my mirrors at home reflect how I really look?)

Why am I asking for it? Well, I've also down-ramped my meds. This is dangerous mentally I know but I feel I need to do it. Telling my HH & RxH I'm thinking I don't need to tell them straightaway. :-)

What does this mean about my baking? Well, yesterday I made some killer WWPP 2 Point Cupcakes! They are delish and guilt free! Seriously, no added fat AT ALL! I'll get the recipe post up after this. So I'm going to really focus on healthier ways to bake deliciousness.

Chamomile Calming Comfort

2011-05-07T20:58:00.000-07:00

The ultimate comfort combination: Apples & Chamomile

Mother's Day Journal

2011-05-07T20:36:00.000-07:00

"...all of your journaling is Satan inspired..."
"Well depression is really from Satan that is one way he gets people to kill themselves"
"You [are] so loved by me with an unconditional love the same as Gods"

I met with my HH on Friday. She knew I was in a funk so we addressed that in this session. As I was stating things she flat out said "I hear your M's voice". With that she asked that I journal everything I'm thinking or doing before I progress into my self-destructive behaviors. I giggled to myself about her request knowing that it was my journaling that was mentioned in the 10 page manifesto as an evil culprit to my horribleness.

Today I received a VM from M wanting to see my daughter and take her to my GM's grave. Today I have been alone for most of it. Today many thoughts and emotions have tried to boil over. I should have journaled it but I consciously did not. Today guilt, pain, and childlike yearning was creeping up on me.

Tonight I hunted for the 10 page manifesto from 2010 that set me free. After rereading it (quotes above are from it), the guilt is gone. I still don't have any desire to turn Mother's Day into a celebratory occasion but gosh darn it, I deserve it. I am a mother. Maybe a broken mother but one none the less.

Happy Mother's Day 2011!

Quote of the Day

2011-05-05T08:16:00.000-07:00

“Circumstances don't make a person; they reveal him or her.” -Richard Carlson

Quote of the Day

2011-05-04T08:14:00.001-07:00

“The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you.”

-Rita Mae Brown quotes (American Writer, b.1944)

I'm still here

2011-05-04T07:02:00.000-07:00

Whoa! Feb 20 was the last post here. It's not that I haven't had anything to say or bake, nope, not the reason. I've once again been in a freaky funk and my best way to address it is to act like it doesn't exist. Yeah, that worked well. :-)

Today I woke with energy and determination. It's 9am and I still have it so I pray it stays so I can get stuff done. Really, staring at the wall just doesn't help the to-do list! The biggest to-do I have is a 6 mile run tonight! My 10 mile race is getting nearer so my butt needs to get in gear!

I'll be baking white cupcakes today.

Afraid to Sleep

2011-02-20T21:07:00.000-08:00

Ever feel like everything is crashing in on you and you should have been able to avoid it? Well that's how I'm feeling lately. My anxiety is at a level just below full panic. I just want to scream "I surrender" and start from ground zero. Its funny how I felt organized, controlled, and productive running 2 industrial businesses, but here at home not so much.

No matter how detailed my to-do lists are and the conceptualized routine is I just can't get it past the planning stage. Looks great on paper but cannot be implemented. There is a major connector I'm overlooking. Maybe this is why I'm afraid to go to sleep. Fear the answer will pass me by while I slumber.

Fears

2011-02-11T07:56:00.000-08:00

Ah, sitting in my HH's waiting room gearing up for what's gonna be an intense meeting. Today we are going over my FEARS!

I didn't think I had a lot of fears , but since I had to write them down they started coming out of hiding!

I probably should have taken my anxiety meds this morning seeing that I'm feeling panicked already.

Happy Friday! I'll be making Red Velvet Cupcakes when I get home!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Feeling in a Cupcake

2011-01-31T06:21:00.000-08:00

The perfect cupcake representation of feeling Flat:

Earl Grey Cupcake with Lemon Zest Buttercream

A very dense, thin, tea infused cake with an equal amount of frosting.

You bite into it thinking...uh oh, this isn't going to be good.

Then the thicker outside takes you to the very dense pound cakey inside, while the lemon buttercream balances with a moment of zing.

This cupcake is like eating a cup of tea.

It looks flat on the outside but is filled with surprises on the inside.

This is what feeling Flat is like.

Red Wine in Cupcake Form

2011-01-29T07:31:00.000-08:00

One of my newest creations.

Best of two coping addictions: Wine & Cupcakes!

Red Wine Cupcakes

2011 Flat

2011-01-23T19:02:00.000-08:00

I feel flat. I have felt flat for a while now. At first I just chalked it up to having too much on my plate and too high of expectations.

Tonight I decided to delve deep into my ice cream addiction. While researching, a common concept kept emerging. Ice cream satisfies the excess Ghrelin hormone that is in our system, particularly when we are depressed. OK. That makes perfect sense. Seriously, I am a milkshake and ice cream addict. No joke. In the mornings I make a fruit smoothie to placate my shake craving but come nightfall, I need a vanilla shake asap! The other disturbing thing is I finish the shake in no time flat. I don't come up for air once that straw is in my mouth.

Back to the flatness.

In a number of forums I read concerns of flat feelings since anti-depressants were started. The more I read the more it rang true for me. When my HH and RxHH ask how I feel, I always tell them great. Great as in I haven't hit that hopeless darkness that I once frequented. Not great in the sense that I haven't been on a happiness high which I so long to feel. Nope. Just flat. Middle of the road. Not black, not white, just grey. Just existing, going through the motions, yet yearning to come flying out of the gate and take over the world.

I have a lot of thinking and planning to do. I need to address this ice cream addiction first, then the flatness needs to get a little hilly.

Rocky Road Cupcakes are for sure on the menu for this!

Quote of the Day

2011-01-11T07:42:00.000-08:00

COURAGE IS THE STANDING ARMY OF THE SOUL WHICH KEEPS IT FROM CONQUEST, PILLAGE AND SLAVERY.
- Henry van Dyke

Win FREE Chocolates from H&S Candies!

2010-12-20T06:48:00.000-08:00

(click on picture to enter)

Shortycake Creations: Chocolate Heart & Soul of Christmas

2010-12-16T08:29:00.000-08:00

Shortycake Creations: Chocolate Heart & Soul of Christmas: "Twas the week before Christmas and all through my homeEvery candy dish was empty, I began to moan.Then what to my wondering eyes shoul..."

Today is a test

2010-12-15T06:42:00.001-08:00

I invited M over to watch B open her Christmas gifts from M. Strangely excitement is welling up inside me. Not for reconciliation but for a test of my new strength! I'm excited for me! Will this meeting be awkward? Absolutely. Thankfully it is on my terms, I am in control of it.

I've turned the other cheek-M has been brought to my level. We are on the same level now, yet no way near equals.

It feels good to not be under anyone's emotional control. Looking forward to discussing this with my HH. :-)

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

UNICEF Gifts that Give Back

2010-12-09T15:51:00.000-08:00

As the saying goes, it is better to give than to receive. There is no better time to teach your children this important lesson than during the holiday season.

UNICEF has created Gifts that Give Back, a lineup of holiday items that will benefit millions of children around the world. UNICEF’s Gifts that Give Back include UNICEF Inspired Gifts like medical supplies and nutritional supplements for malnourished children, the UNICEF card and gift collection, and collaborations with some of the world’s top brands such as Gucci, H&M and Delta Airlines. Each purchase support UNICEF’s efforts in lowering the number of preventable deaths in children each year.

Partner companies that will conduct holiday activities supporting UNICEF for 2010 include:

IKEA “Soft Toys” -- Continuing its commitment to the idea that all children have the right to an education, for each soft toy purchased in IKEA stores between November 1st and December 24th, IKEA will make a donation of 1 euro (approximately $1.39) to help support UNICEF and Save the Children's education projects globally. This is the 7th consecutive year of the campaign, which has raised over $31 million to support 8 million children in 40 countries worldwide.

Gucci -- Gucci announced a $1 million donation to UNICEF's “Schools for Africa” initiative in honor of the company’s partnership with UNICEF and the launch of the new Gucci children’s collection. Additional Gucci activities in support of UNICEF and “Schools for Africa” -- a UNICEF initiative in partnership with the Nelson Mandela Foundation and the Hamburg Society which aims to increase access to quality basic education for millions of children in Africa -- include:

Gucci Sukey bag – In 2010, Gucci launched the third annual "Gucci for UNICEF" campaign. The special edition "Gucci for UNICEF" Sukey bag, designed by Gucci Creative Director Frida Giannini in grey "La Pelle Guccissima" leather, is being sold in Gucci stores in over 20 countries worldwide and at gucci.com from April 15, 2010 until February 28, 2011. Gucci will donate 25% of the retail price from all sales of the "Gucci for UNICEF" bag to support UNICEF.

Gucci U-Play Timepieces -- Gucci Timepieces announced a donation of $70,000 in honor of a new special model of the U-Play watch, also designed by Giannini.

Since the Gucci partnership with UNICEF began in 2005, Gucci has committed over USD $9 million to UNICEF.

American Airlines -- Through January 15, 2011, American Airlines AAvantage® members can earn two AAdvantage miles (maximum award of 2,000 miles per AAdvantage member) for every $1 donated at www.unicefusa.org/aa to support UNICEF’s lifesaving programs.

FEED Guatemala Bags/Lord & Taylor -- FEED Guatemala bags celebrate traditional crafts of Guatemala and sales help UNICEF combat malnutrition in the country. For every FEED 1 Guatemala pouch and FEED 3 Guatemala bag sold at Lord & Taylor stores in the U.S. and online, FEED will donate $3.50 or $10.50 respectively to help support UNICEF's nutrition for children under the age of five in Guatemala.

H&M – Throughout the Holiday Season, H&M customers in stores in over 30 countries around the world will be invited to make a donation at the register to support UNICEF through “Give a child the gift of clean water”. Based on the amount of the donation made, H&M customers will receive either one or a pack of 6 specially designed H&M holiday gift box stickers.

Delta Air Lines – Delta SkyMiles® members can put their unused frequent flyer miles to good use by donating them to the U.S. Fund for UNICEF.

2Point Cupcake-Yum!

2010-11-21T09:16:00.000-08:00

Here's a WW 2 Point Cupcake! And it's Delish!!!

Recipe:
1 chocolate cake mix
1 can pumpkin
1/2 can water
2 egg whites

Mix, scoop, bake for 12-15mins, eat, Enjoy!

I added a dollop of FF Cool Whip to add a little more Flair.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Self Talk

2010-11-19T13:04:00.000-08:00

Self Talk is what I'll be studying the next few weeks. HH is wanting to get down to the knitty-gritty on what part of my thought process is the trigger for some of my anxiety. She also mentioned that biting nails is a form of anxiety! Well, then I showed her my nails and that I have enjoyed biting my nails my entire life. :-)

Now I'm going to search for a low cal/fat cupcake recipe that tastes great too!

This time of year

2010-11-13T07:37:00.000-08:00

Fall. This time of the year has always been my favorite. The changing colors, darker skies, cooler (cold) weather, the holidays all give me warm fuzzy feelings.

Why? Fall is the visual & tangible time in the year that accurately represents what depression feels like. I'm not talking the rock-bottom, jump off a cliff depression, but the lingering one that is never far away.

So why do I like this season you ask? Because it provides validation of what I'm feeling. I can psyche myself out sometimes into thinking that the world around me has taken my big D on a weekend away and I can relax and just be. I can walk outside and for an instant feel like an outsider experiencing the true beauty of what the fall provides.

Quote of the Day

2010-11-12T04:51:00.000-08:00

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.

-Mahatma Gandhi (1869 - 1948)

Here's Your Cupcake, Pumpkin!

2010-11-09T14:52:00.001-08:00

Holy semi-homemade miracle! Not being in any mood to bake, but being urged by my brother to post some cupcakes, I created a masterpiece!

Introducing my Semi-Homemade Pumpkin Cupcakes

1 yellow cake mix
1 can pumpkin
2 eggs
1/2 stick of butter
1 tbsp Pumpkin Pie Spice
Enough water to make it look like cake batter

Blend it all together, scoop into cupcake papers, put in oven for 20-25 minutes on 350 degrees.

I filled them with Watkins Pumpkin Butter.

Get a can of store bought white or cream cheese frosting. Put a dollop on each and sprinkle with some more Pumpkin Pie Spice.

Note: these are super moist. You may need to serve on a plate with a fork.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

The Void May Be Filling!

2010-10-28T07:02:00.000-07:00

First, let me start by apologizing for not posting cupcakes recently. I know that's why you are here, so I promise, once my new counter is installed TODAY I'll get a few batches going and you'll be happy coming here again. In the mean time...

Last week my brother calls to tell me he thinks he found our sister on FB. (Long confusing story of all our relations. I'll spare you the details) So I pull her up and YES it is her. We haven't seen or heard from her and our nephews since our dad died in 2002! Of course we sent Friend requests to her wondering if she would accept or reject our outreach.

SHE ACCEPTED! She cried. We cried. (OK, I cried and I'm sure my bro got at least choked up about it but won't admit it.) He phoned her yesterday...if you know my bro you know he is NOT a phone person AT ALL and he was on it for over an hour with her! Anywho, he gave her a synopsis of what's been going on over here, apologized for how she was treated while living here by M, and basically expressed the desire to have his other sister back in his life.

I messaged her and told her I'd call her sometime this week. Bro let her know I'm busy filling Halloween orders so my schedule is tight. Here's where I start to make my point, I promise!

This morning she commented on FB that Bro told her I was busy baking and she wrote, "I sure do remember us baking a lot when we where lil tots!" Holy crap! I don't remember this, but I have a feeling those memories will start to come back! Could the baking void have started when she left our lives? It's not for me to determine. I'm paying good money to my HH and RxHH to figure this out, so I will!

All I know is that my heart skipped a beat when I read that statement from her and I felt a feeling of...love.

Seriously! Stop pissing around me!

2010-10-21T15:48:00.000-07:00

For every 2 steps forward there may be one step back. I just stepped backward into a big pile of angry. Seriously, my blood is boiling!

I come home from a long day out and about to a birthday card from M. Ugh #1. Ugh #2 (this is where my reaction is of being royally pissed off) She writes "...& remember just because you don't want me in your life anymore doesn't mean I will ever write you of out of mine. I love you & Always will."

WTF! I received a hand written 10 page letter on January 27th in which she wrote me and my brother out of her life. No wait, she didn't write us out of her life, BPDrs don't do that! She just uttered 10 pages of delusions of me being Satan, controlling people, jealous--just jealous, not jealous of anything, just jealous, my mental illness is of the devil, I treat her like crap, and I have been possessed of the devil and jealous of my brother since I was 5 years old. She wrote me my ticket to escape the trap I as her child was in all my life.

She saw me last month and saw that I am happy and healthy. She saw that she no longer had control over me, that I no longer will allow her to use me as her rage target. She realized I stepped out of her crazy zone, that I have boundaries. She felt the need to, like a wild animal, once again piss around me to mark her territory.

Now tonight my house is still a construction zone, I have a painter coming in, I have a wake of a close friend's dad, and all I want to do is scream, cry, cuss, and other unmentionables! Hmmm, do I call my HH tonight or just wait it out?

Book Assignment

2010-10-16T20:08:00.000-07:00

My HH has me reading "Surviving a Borderline Parent". Looks like a quick, emotionally painful, read. She said it will hurt especially when I can relate 100 percent. Now I'm singing that Rob Bass Song: Joy and Pain. Sunshine and Rain.

Hohum

2010-10-13T11:27:00.000-07:00

I've hit the bottom rung of my daily ladder.

The kitchen remodel has pushed me over the ledge. I know it takes a while for remods but with my fabtacular "issues" I need routine, normalcy, and organization. All three are non existent this week. What makes it even better is that I have moved my "stress" to my back. So my head feels OK and my back is killing me.

Also, listening to every one's opinion on what we "should do" to the kitchen is making me want to beat the snot out of everyone who walks in before they even open their mouths! We've made our choices and have to live with them not you so you "should" shut your blow hole!

There I feel slightly better. OK, not really. I'm thinking I need to go to bed for a bit just to escape things.

Ah, Friday cannot be here soon enough. I need my HH. Also, Monday I see my RxHH so I'll get my scripts refilled and become balanced again. I can't even bake any cupcakes or cookies to make things better! Oye Vey!

Chocolate!

2010-10-13T08:54:00.000-07:00

Comfort in a Cupcake

2010-10-10T19:08:00.000-07:00

Chocolate & Vanilla. No better combo is there!

Chai Cupcakes

2010-10-10T19:07:00.000-07:00

These are the Chai Cupcakes I made. YUM!

Vanilla Chai and Chocolate Chai

Both with vanilla chai bakery buttercream

2010-10-09T05:32:00.000-07:00

My kitchen is gutted, rather, the room once known as my kitchen is gutted. My "kitchen" is now in the dining room, living room, and basement. Its so cute how my hubs asks about every couple hours if I'm doing "OK", referring to having a panic attack because of the CHAOS of the house. He knows I need things a certain way to maintain a bit of normalcy and he especially knows my irrational craziness when things are a disarray....like my house!

How am I staying so cool with this? Well, the meds and breathing help but knowing this is temporary and will be done quicker than most remodels is whats helping me avoid really looking at my surroundings...except when I'm looking for the freaking garbage bags which are either outside or in the basement. (To get to the basement I have to walk out the front door to the back door and go down there. The kitchen has been shut off with no entry to the rest of the house to avoid major dust, dirt, and the occasional black lung.

Time to finish my coffee, get dressed, and get the troops working!

Beware short fuse laziness!

2010-10-06T18:52:00.000-07:00

The cupcakes were made and turned out scrumptious. I'll post a picture and the recipe maybe tonight. Let me tell you where I'm at right now cause it's not pretty.

My Uncle's death and services stirred up the memories of my dad's and now according to HH I'm pretty much mourning both now. She said to pull pics down and talk about the good times. Ugh.

Add to this my laziness at renewing my BC so my hormones are all messed up AND I ran out of my 2nd daily med the rxHH put me on and I haven't called for a refill. I see her next week but now I'm going through that stupid withdrawal stage which is making me a miserable, angry, fatigued, can't eat enough sugar Ogre!

What cupcakes would go along with this plight? It'll have to be something potent for sure!

One Word

2010-09-27T21:10:00.000-07:00

Blah. Yep, that's how I feel. My mind I think has shut down or I've gone completely crazy already. Either way, it's funkadelic. Maybe I should up my rxHH appointment to this week....or make some awesome cupcakes. Hmmmm, decisions, decisions, decisions.

Quote of the Day

2010-09-26T20:05:00.001-07:00

If you are going to climb,

you have to grab the

branches not the blossoms.

Grief, Anxiety, and a Happy Dance

2010-09-17T07:30:00.000-07:00

I have my HH appointment in 1.5 hours. The homework was not completed-log my anxiety-because the past couple weeks were just a bit too anxiety filled. I'm sure she'll understand especially when she sees the smile on my face about the breakthrough with M!

Today when I get home it's a baking frenzy! Cookies, cupcakes, and a 1st birthday squish cake, and then some seasonal cupcakes to celebrate my 1st true therapy milestone! I'm thinking Pumpkin Spice Chiffon. Sound good?

Can I get an Amen!!!!

2010-09-14T05:27:00.000-07:00

Being away from my computer for 2 days was TORTURE! I did have access via my phone and could have updated my blog, but I knew I needed a real keyboard for this post!

Went to Southern Illinois for my Uncle's funeral. M was there both for the wake and the funeral. Since January the thought of running into her, being in front of her in person, having to speak to her or look her in the eyes was terrifying. The anxiety would increase in my body, blood surging, heart beating way too fast, and just a total feeling of fear. BUT NOT THIS WEEKEND!

Yeah, that's right. Not a single "feeling" or reaction occurred. I even managed a bit of small talk about my daughter with her, but nothing more. My cousins (whose father we were burying) were more concerned about M & me meeting again than I was. (I love my cousins soooo much.)

I was so happy about this breakthrough I wanted to friend my therapist on FB just to share the news, but I thought that a bit "crazy" if you know what I mean. I didn't want to get "All about Bob" on her.

So to celebrate this fabulous breakthrough I had 3 shakes this weekend! Ridiculous. No more celebrating for me. Just moving forward and getting healthy! WoooHooo!

Lemonade & Strawberries

2010-09-09T07:06:00.000-07:00

Lemonade Cupcake with Strawberry Mascarpone Cool Whip Icing

What a refreshing and calming combination. It reminded me of my childhood at my Grandpa's house sitting on the front porch on the swing listening to nature and watching the corn grow. A happy place.

Quote of the Day

2010-09-08T08:43:00.000-07:00

No great growth comes without deep struggle.

Total despair urges us to cry for mercy,

that cry opens doors.

~ © Alison Stormwolf ~

Death, what a low blow you've dealt

2010-09-07T20:37:00.000-07:00

As you saw from the newest cupcake picture, things in my head just aren't pretty right now. Death is all around me. All this death brings my father's death to the surface. The pain my cousins are feeling I am now feeling again. I don't wish this pain on my worst enemies. I wonder if I wasn't on meds,would I be able to keep these emotions and memories bottled up in a numb location?

So yes, death is shitty. Everyone dies. The pain from a loved ones death is killing. How do I teach my daughter about death when I am keeled over in anguish?

Tomorrow I will kick my butt out of this rut and I'm thinking: Lemonade Cupcakes with Strawberry Buttercream. Sound good? Sound mood altering?

Sometimes it's just not pretty

2010-09-06T11:48:00.001-07:00

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Time to step up to the plate

2010-09-06T11:27:00.000-07:00

Rundown from the past few weeks until today.

Received an email from M telling me to get my personal belongings from the building within 2 weeks, anxiety attacks on a regular basis, my great Uncle died last week, one of my close friends' dad is in hospice with a DNR so I'm preparing our house for watching her little girl during the wake and funeral, I'm in a constant state of anxiety (about a #2 level), and this morning a very close uncle died suddenly. So, this meant contact with M again. And this also means a face to face at my uncles ceremonies with M. It's been almost 8 months since I last saw or spoke to M. I have to quickly kick my brain into readiness.

I am strong enough to handle this, I am strong enough to handle this, I am strong enough to handle this.

Quote of the Day

2010-09-02T12:50:00.000-07:00

When you look at a cupcake, you've got to smile.

~ Anne Byrn

Did I pass on a gene?

2010-08-30T21:18:00.000-07:00

My daughter is a puker.

Since day one she puked. We had to have special, a.k.a. expensive, formula for her the first year that was pre-digested so she wouldn't puke as much.

She pukes in public. The best was when we were attending a Christening at a golf club...at the linen clad table she projectile vomited her weight in puke, all over the floor. Thankfully her puke smelled like the Parmesan cheese on the table so no one got too disgusted with the odor. Another time we were in the mall food court. Of course she had her fries while the hubs and I waited for our Persian meal to be served. Princess Puker wanted to leave as soon as we started eating. After some unsuccessful screams at us she did what she does best and puked all over the floor! As soon as we got housekeeping to bring a mop over, she looked at us with a smile and asked "can we go now".

OK, why did I just spew this slightly non cohesive rant about my daughters regurgitation issues? Well, today I had another "Oh crap, did I pass on a bad gene to her?" moment. She was in her high chair and started to make herself gag. I shouted my usual "do not make yourself puke" as she looked at me and stuck her finger in her throat. She looked up and said "I need to puke, I ate too much".

I assume that any normal mom really wouldn't put much weight on that, but I being the issued mom of course had a moment of panic. "Holy crap, does she already have an eating disorder? Can babies and toddlers have eating disorders?"

In sixth grade I started my fabulous journey of eating disorders. Richard Simmons was my hero (Secretly he kinda still is...him and Barry Manilow. No need wondering why I'm in therapy, huh?), "Ayds" appetite suppressant candies, laxatives, and keeping strict caloric intake to a maximum of 500 a day were my routine. Senior year of high school I was up to 4 diet pills a day and one laxative at night. One day I realized that I was killing myself and quit cold turkey. Then came the puking which ended my senior year of college.

So I say all of this and seriously wonder, have I passed on a generational curse?

Undiagnosed BP1 Ruins Families

2010-08-30T20:49:00.000-07:00

Sadly, my family has been affected by an undiagnosed BP1 to the degree that we had to cut the family member from our lives. We are creating boundaries for ourselves in order to get healthy and strong so maybe one day we will be able to face this family member again.

Bipolar Disorder: Often an Undiagnosed Killer

Author: Tim F Clark

Bi polar disorder is a brain disorder that causes sudden and unexplained changes in a person’s mood, which in turn changes the individual’s energy and ability to function. While virtually everyone experiences their own ups and downs every now and then, the symptoms of bi polar disorder are more severe, often damaging personal relationships and performance in school or work. Untreated, bi polar disorder can even lead a sufferer to suicide. Until recently, bi polar disorder was known as manic depression, manic-depressive disorder, and bi polar affective disorder, among other medical terms.

Bi polar disorder is medically classified into four types, namely:

1.Bi polar I
2.Bi polar II
3.Cyclothymic Disorder
4.Bi polar Disorder Not Otherwise Specified

Mental health experts use this classification to identify the symptoms of the bi polar disorder, which differ among individuals. When the type of bi polar disorder has been identified, doctors can prepare a treatment program that’s most suitable for the individual.

Bi polar disorder affects both men and women of all ages. In America alone, about 5.7 million people 18 years and over (2.6% of the population) suffer from it. Most sufferers exhibit their first symptoms in their early twenties, although research states that the first signs of bi polar disorder actually can occur much earlier. Adolescents, and even children, can suffer from the disorder.

The first symptoms of bi polar disorder can happen during childhood, late in life, or anywhere in between. Behavioral patterns between children and adult sufferers of bi polar disorder can differ, making the diagnosis of the disorder very difficult. Often people may suffer from it for years before it is properly recognized and treated. Once diagnosed, this long-term illness must be carefully managed throughout the rest of the individual’s life, much like diabetes or heart disease.

Bi polar disorder is a recurring problem. Left untreated, sufferers have a 15% risk of death by suicide – in the developed world, bi polar disorder is the third leading cause of death among people between 15 and 24 years of age, and is the 6th leading cause of disability (lost years of healthy life) for individuals aged 15 to 44. Many people with bi polar disorder are aware of their situation and attempt to “self-treat” it by turning to drugs and alcohol. Thi scan lead to substance abuse and dependence, which only serves to aggravate the disorder’s effects.

To date, the exact cause of bi polar disorder is not known. Many experts, however, believe that a number of factors are involved in causing the problem, which includes a certain genetic component. It has been found that bi polar disorder tends to run in families – meaning if a person has bi polar disorder, then his/her relatives are at a higher risk of suffering from it as well. It has also been found that a sufferer’s identical is also much more susceptible to likewise suffering the disorder. In most cases, however, the disorder lies dormant within a sufferer’s system until triggered by some sort of emotional stress.

The theory that bi polar disorder is caused by multiple factors, both genetic and environmental, is supported by research. Sleep, for instance, has been connected to bi polar disorder – past research had shown that bi polar patients have more difficulty sleeping and suffer from more sleep-related problems than normal individuals.

Much research about the bi polar disorder is currently ongoing, some of which attempt to uncover the reason why many sufferers turn out to be creative geniuses.

Article Source: http://www.articlesbase.com/health-articles/bipolar-disorder-often-an-undiagnosed-killer-375732.html

About the Author

Tim Clark writes health related articles, the majority of which can be found on his website on bi polar disorder , where he has a large listing of bipolar articles

If you would like more information on bi polar disorder just follow the link.

Quote of the Day

2010-08-28T21:00:00.000-07:00

~ If depression is creeping up and must be faced, learn something about the nature of the beast: You may escape without a mauling. ~ Dr. R.W. Sheperd

Fellow Blogger's New Book & Contest!

2010-08-28T20:45:00.000-07:00

Cynthia Roberts, author of her debut historical romance, Wind Warrior has something pretty darn dynamic for all of Depression & Cupcakes visitors, friends and subscribers ... one of the largest blog tour promotional giveaways ever attempted.

Breaking into the world of romance fiction is a challenge unto itself but more so, when you’re a newly published author. Depression & Cupcakes is excited to participate in this venture with Cynthia and help introduce Wind Warrior to the world of romance readers. The bonus … every one has the chance to compete for not one, but five pretty extraordinary prizes which will include:

1. Romantic Two-lid willow picnic basket with deluxe service for two ~ $125.00 value
2. Succulent Godiva Chocolate Tier ~ $75.00 value
3. Exquisite Pearl & Crystal Necklace ~ $50.00 value
4. Amazon Gift Certificate ~ $25 value
5. Amazon Gift Certificate ~ $25 value

To view the gifts & read further descriptions visit her website at http://www.romanceauthorcynthiaroberts.com/.

Contest Rules Are As Follows

1. Leave a comment at the end of this post

2. Tweet the following text: Wind Warrior by Cynthia Roberts. A story of longing, of a wanton need to survive all odds & a love so strong it conquers human evil. On sale now at Amazon, Borders & Barnes and Nobel.

3. Post the same tag on your Facebook and/or Myspace Profile

4. Become a fan/follower/subscriber of the blog you visit

5. The list of participating blogs are registered on Cynthia’s website and you may enter to win on every one, however, only one family member may do so in a household.

6. Open to ALL not just the US & Canada

7. Each participating blog will randomly choose five entrants to compete for the grand prize pool where the final 5 winners will be randomly selected

8. Winners will be chosen on Sept. 30th and notified via email by Cynthia

9. All finalists must provide their email, name and official delivery address at the time of finalist selection to Depression & Cupcakes

10. All prizes will be shipped no later than Oct. 30th directly from the distributor

11. The steps above will be checked to determine your eligibility.

Wind Warrior ~ The Iroquois Series ~ Book One

Leslie Michaels is a visionary, and only those close to her know of her special gift and the visions that come when her mind and body surrender to sleep. Fate has a way of righting many wrongs, and for Leslie it is a destiny that changes her life dramatically. But not before she is forced to flee into the wilderness to escape a murderous trapper bent on claiming her for his very own. Faith and a strong will to survive are her only companions, until she encounters Winnokin, the handsome Seneca war chief who first came to her in her dreams. Not only does he prove to be her rescuer and protector, he teaches her that tragedy can breed happiness and the passion to live and love deeply once again.

Wind Warrior plunges readers into the intimate depths of a relationship that unfolds like a live drama before their eyes while painting an insightful and intriguing portrait of Native Indian life in the 1800s. It is a story of longing, of a wanton need to survive all odds, and a love so strong it conquers human evil. Wind Warrior expresses with cunning words the simple, raw human emotions that hold readers spellbound and captivates their hearts.

On Sale Now at Amazon, Borders, Barnes and Nobel ISBN# 978-1-61663-162-8. Read more than a dozen reviews on her website at http://www.romanceauthorcynthiaroberts.com/.

Kid-at-heart Cupcake

2010-08-27T12:54:00.000-07:00

When I think of kid cupcakes, yellow cake with chocolate frosting and sprinkles come to mind. This version has a Chocolate Fudge Buttercream Icing...very chocolatey and very rich.

Groundhog Day for my Brain

2010-08-26T18:29:00.000-07:00

I met with my RxHH on Friday. We discussed my dream, my panic attacks, and everything else that made her sit back with pen by mouth pondering. Here's her take on things:

1. The dream sounds like Fear, thus the anxiety while I sleep
2. Since I've had this dream for 20 odd years she thinks that my brain has "Pavlovianed" itself! When my brain starts to go into a depressed state it tries to figure things out while I'm sleeping and keeps bringing up the dream. It's like my brain is stuck in the movie Groundhog Day!

I find it quite fascinating how our brains can do such things and yet it can't teach itself to cure itself. (That's a poor sentence, I know. You get the point though, right?)

The bandaid for my recent issue: add another med to take daily until the episode passes and take an anti-anxiety everynight to just shut my brain off all together so it stops freakin out!

No cupcakes tomorrow, but I'm making cookies instead.

My head's a whirl with Cinnamon Swirl!

2010-08-20T21:47:00.000-07:00

Coffecake-like Cupcakes!

Yellow cake baked with cinnamon brown sugar in the center and top.

Capped off with a light vanilla frosting.

After these were tasted my mood was lifted!

What's this I feel? Oh yeah, it's called anxiety.

2010-08-20T15:49:00.000-07:00

Today I woke at 3:14am. Stayed in bed debating "do I get up or try to fall back to sleep". Once I got out of bed I felt the anxiety...racing heart, sweating like in a sauna, a bit lightheaded and tremors. Oh joy. Happy Friday to me! Life must go on. I head to my HH appointment. First thing I ask: "can people have all out panic attacks in their sleep". Guess what she said? Uh, huh, that's what she said! Yes and you can wake up in a full blown attack...like I did today.

Guess what else she said. That yes, this recurring dream and the anxiety attacks and some other "symptoms" that I hadn't been paying attention to are my brain's way of getting into a nice little depressed mode. She said that is the joy of having Recurring Major Depressive Disorder. Like a bad check it always returns!

Good grief! Funny thing is I don't feel depressed in the down and dirty way. I'm melancholic and very apprehensive. I told her that my fear is the medicine won't work and I'll go into a tailspin to doom and gloom. She reiterated the importance of not stopping the meds and that I need to not worry, the meds are doing their job. I see the prescription writing HH on Monday so I may be looking at a higher dosage during my "spell".

We went over my recurring dream, chit chatted a bit about life, and by the time I left my anxiety had lessened.

And what did I do when I came home? Took a Clonazepam and made cupcakes! Fifty for an order (yellow cake with red icing and a fondant printed disc on top) but the therapeutic ones are awesome! I'll get the picture and how-to up hopefully tonight.

Quote of the Day

2010-08-20T05:47:00.001-07:00

Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night of our lives.

William Dement, in Newsweek, 1959

My Recurring Dream

2010-08-14T08:13:00.000-07:00

Last night I had the "more than 20 years old recurring dream". The surroundings in the dream are always exactly the same yet the people tend to be different.

Here are the key details
Shopping Mall, half the stores are empty or closed. Multi level with ramps and long, nearly 90 degree angled escalators. There is a grand, excessively ornate hotel connected to it with elevators that go to certain floors with a lot of getting on and off them to get to my room. A bright yellow food court and a dark, barely lit sit down restaurant, reminiscent of the restaurants in O'hare tend to be the first places I pass.

While in the mall, I shop. I rummage through racks and racks of clothes and try them on. Last night it was a chenille a-line pink knee length skirt. I was with an estranged childhood friend. She was buying an ugly blue skirt/jacket combo but looked great in it. Then I shopped some more, rummaging, talking to the clerks, but couldn't find what I was looking for. The shops are always: a very small, dirty boutique, a huge furniture store, a big box store that I'm looking at toys in, and the 4th floor of Marshall Fields-the pajama floor. The mall is like a maze and I get going to each store. There are dark, quiet, eerily echoing hallways that I make wrong turns in and scamper to get out of.

The dark, poorly lit parking lot is huge, wraps around the entire mall, connects to other strip malls, is hard to get to off the busy highway, and has plenty of open spaces yet I can never find one. Oh! The most dreadful detail in every dream: the nastiest bathroom...putrid doesn't give it enough credit. The floors are covered with nastiness, the stalls either don't shut or have no doors. Bacteria and Viruses won't even touch the toilets and its always busy.

Here's where the dream is somewhat "new"
Jump from the mall to being home, getting ready to go out with said estranged friend, my brother, my mother, and my daughter for dinner. Frantically I'm searching for tights to wear with my new skirt, every pair I put on gets a run in the heel. My husband tells me to hurry it's almost ten o'clock and that I should leave the baby home with him since it's almost her bed-time. I leave, forget something, turn around to go get it and poof, I'm outside a very old brick art deco building, my dad (b/n: he died in 2002) is at the steps, I tell him I'm supposed to meet everyone but I forgot something. When I turn, the stairs are gone, I have to climb up the bricks of the wall to get to the building's doors. Once inside I give up. I decide to not even go to dinner, then I turn around and see everyone already at dinner. I distinctly remember thinking to myself, it's OK, my mother needed time with them anyways.

There are so many more little details that are vivid and regular in this dream. I use to have it every night at some point. It went away for awhile. Last night was the first time in a long time it visited.

Now, add an anxious feeling during the entire dream. There is never an enjoyable moment, it's just different levels...more like waves...of anxious fear. During the dreams that I'm using the escalators its worse! They are so steep that I am always falling off or hanging on while my legs dangle until I get to the bottom, hyperventilating the whole way.

As I type, my inner voice is asking "Am I getting ready to have a depressed episode? Is this dream a warning? Am I already in the depression but I haven't hit bottom yet?" My chest is tightening, my hands are starting to sweat, and I feel like crawling out of my skin while typing this.

There is a quote from the online article "The Link between Depression and Dreams" by Ryan Hurd that crystallizes quite eloquently how I feel this morning :

"The clinically depressed dreamer wakes up feeling like he has been in battle."

I'm thinking this may be one to bring to my HH for some serious breakdown!

Do you have recurring dreams, good or bad?
Do you think they correlate to "episodic" times in your life?

Beat up on me Day

2010-08-13T08:02:00.000-07:00

My inner critic is on hyper drive! I've been trying to ignore her constant nagging and belittling but it's just become a constant state of bullying. It's stopping now!

The assignments my HH has me doing have been eye openers to say the least. I pulled out all my old journals (from 1st grade through today) and started reading them to get some more assignment topics. I used the journals to write my responses to the treatment I was receiving at that time. Here's the kicker. It appears as a child I didn't write what was said or done to me, I just wrote how it made me feel...BUT, the first line of almost all entries are "You are so fat. You're such a pig". (There is a HH term for this. I'll have to look into it more.)

Yes, I've had weight issues my entire life. It was a family joke to comment on my girth. Seriously, I still have cousins that will make snide comments--that is, if I hadn't cut them out of my life like the rest of that side of the family!

Here's what my no-psychological-training demises from this. The only thing I have had control over my entire life that NO-ONE could take from me no matter how hard they tried, is my weight! I go through spurts, will lose a good amount, feel great and empowered, and then BAM! I retreat and the weight comes back on.

As I go through my therapy and with the help and encouragement of my loved ones I am determined to not be scared or guarded when I lose weight. The moment I start to retreat back to my old m.o. I will have someone intervene.

Ha, M would always tell me I have to control everything. As this was being beat into me I always thought to myself, "I am in control of nothing...I can't even control my own weight or your rages against me!"

I AM in CONTROL! It's OK to be in control of my life, my boundaries, my feelings, my health. Today I will do my darnedest to hammer this in and get on track for a healthy body to match my healthy mind.

Oh, but don't worry, Cupcakes are healthy so they are still a huge part of my life...I'll just have some restraint when I have a couple dozen hanging out in the fridge!

Cherry Chocolate Chip

2010-08-09T07:43:00.000-07:00

Chocolate chips and Cherries: A great dichotomy. Chocolate always soothes when seeing red! And the combo tastes great too!

These were fun to make!

D&C's Cherry Chocolate Chip Cupcakes

Use your favorite white cake recipe (even a box mix will do)
Replace any water with Maraschino cherry juice
Chop up a whole jar of the cherries
Grab a half bag of chocolate chips
Mix it all together
Bake

Top with

Cherry Chocolate Ganache

Use the remainder of the jarred cherry juice
Mix with the other half of the bag of chips
Heavy cream
A touch of vanilla
Melt over low heat
Dip each cupcake
Eat!

Stop Screaming At Me

2010-08-05T18:20:00.000-07:00

The other day B and I were not meeting eye-to-eye and at one point she says "Stop screaming at me". Those four words stopped me in my tracks as I looked down at her looking up at me.

Lately I have noticed more "screaming" from my mouth. I scare myself when I'm yelling. I've heard all these screams before, many times way back when, just as scary now as they where then. They stuck with me all these years. I'm now passing them on.

My assignment for my HH is due tomorrow. I'm not going to dig deep into my past for a "memory" to decipher. No, I"m going to bring a copy of this post.

Burning Bridges

2010-08-02T09:23:00.000-07:00

Recently via a certain social media site a family member posted a jab to "people". Without getting into details of the post, I immediately felt it was directed at me. Immediately anger and anxiety welled up inside me like a fire getting ready to spread. Mind you, I see this family member at weddings and funerals. Here's how my stream of consciousness progressed:

Oops, sorry I forgot to contact you
Your snide remarks should be thought through more, you don't know what people are going through
F her
Great, M must have fed some of her crazy delusions to that part of the family now
Of course she's going to side with M, she thinks she's so wonderful
Now more family looks at me and my brother with distaste, "How could you kids do this"
Wait! M is not part of my life now
I choose who is welcome in my life
I choose who my family is
I am in charge of me
May the bridges I burn behind me light my way!

And with that thought process the anger and anxiety left. A bit of sadness lingers, but the healthy happiness I have now overpowers it. I protected my boundaries, the castle is safe!

I must continue to remind myself that if the bridges are burned, it is impossible for me to retreat to where I was. I can only go forward.

Now to create a cupcake that celebrates this win!

"You use to bake all the time Kimmy"

2010-07-30T14:59:00.000-07:00

Childhood memories, good ones, are always centered around the kitchen. When I was very young I would help my mother bake. Pies, cookies, brownies, cakes. Anything sweet my little hands were in it, mixing, measuring, pouring, poking. Then it all stopped. The time frame of when it abruptly ended is fuzzy. At that point, for some reason yet still buried, I loathed the kitchen and all things about it. Cooking sucked, baking sucked. I never wanted to enter into that area of the home again.

For years at family gatherings the topic of me not cooking would be brought up and my mother would utter "You use to bake all the time Kimmy."

When I started dating my husband I started baking. It felt natural. Cookies were the beginning. Two years ago I added cakes and cupcakes. Everyday I look forward to baking. I wake wondering what fabulous concoctions can I create.

There is a tremendous black space in my memory, the void between love and hate. I need to remember what was in the void, no matter how painful. I hope with more baking these days my mind will be jolted into remembering why the oven was turned off.

Quote of the Day

2010-07-29T18:27:00.000-07:00

By hating that person, you have lost something very sweet in yourself.

Sri Chinmoy

Quote of the Day

2010-07-28T18:26:00.000-07:00

Be sweet, be good, and honest always.

Emma Bunton

Quote of the Day

2010-07-27T18:24:00.000-07:00

An act of goodness is of itself an act of happiness. No reward coming after the event can compare with the sweet reward that went with it.

Maurice Maeterlinck

Quote of the Day

2010-07-26T18:23:00.000-07:00

Affliction is the wholesome soil of virtue, where patience, honor, sweet humility, and calm fortitude, take root and strongly flourish.

David Mallet

"You were terrorized"

2010-07-25T07:26:00.000-07:00

It's Sunday morning, B & Hubs are still sleeping (slackers!) and I'm trying to get my mind to focus on this week's to-do list. One is to work on assignment #2 for my HH. It's the same as assignment #1, just think of a different instance. Ugh. To prepare for #2, I need to reflect on #1.

I noticed after #1, while driving in my car with streams of tears running down my face and uncontrollable-to the point of embarrassment-guttural sobs drowning out the radio, my heart is softening. Ok, wait, soften may not be the word.

Relaxing! Relaxing is what my heart is doing. Child me (CK) is starting to trust Adult me (AK)!

The mental health industry uses some very direct and seemingly harsh words to categorize things. When I opened up to my HH a couple sessions ago she had an Ah-ha moment; a revelation. "You were terrorized as a child". Yes, terrorized is much better than abused. NOT! Sarcastic me thought "what, now I need to create a War on Terror campaign for my mind that's going to cost me tons and get nowhere?" Once I told SM to shut it, terrorized made sense, it fit.

Then I heard her. Child me in a meek far-away voice said "I'm scared".

A friend of mine said my HH's therapy sounds crazy and I should find a new one. Hell no! Child me trusts HH and now she is starting to trust Adult me.

The Mom Standard: Healing Hurts

2010-07-22T20:52:00.000-07:00

The Mom Standard: Healing Hurts:

This morning I woke myself up from crying. The dreams I was having of course were the reason. I have been down all day and it is because of the disturbing dreams and emotions they created. Without going into great detail my happy-helper has started some major CBT with my first assignment going to be the hardest! My dreams last night were just an accumulation of my thoughts about this assignment and going through my memory file cabinet to get things in order.

As I go through this journey, of course I will write about it. I always write...journals that I alone have ever read to blogs that I let the world read. Writing has always been my escape, my encouragement, my legacy. I am doing this for my daughter, my husband, my family, myself. Healing hurts but without pain your body doesn't know there is something that needs to heal.

And while I go through this process, I will continue to smile, joke, exude happiness and love. I will continue to fall in love with my daughter and make sure healthy love is all she experiences. I have to, that is my job right now.

I'm known to say it like it is. So, I've said it. Not a very uplifting post, but it's me. :-)

Peanut Butter & Chocolate Cupcakes-Warm & Fuzzy Feelings

2010-07-22T17:45:00.000-07:00

Journal the journey

2010-07-22T16:45:00.000-07:00

[This is from my first blog, back in 2007.]

Journals. I have journals that date back to about 1980! Why did I start journaling? That's a quandry in and of itself. The voraciousness of gaining knowledge also has my nose in a book, but at the end of the day my nose is facing blank pages of the journal with the pen I hold scribbling away the details of the day.

Why have I continued journaling? Sometimes I think that I'm keeping record of my day to day activities so that when I'm long gone others might take interest and other times I stop amongst the chaos to find those few moments to spew everything onto a page in a book that will never be seen by any other person just to clear my head and clear my path so I can keep pushing on through life-to use the written pages as a manual, that when I come up against the same situation I can look back and see how I handled it before and gain insight into how to tackle it now.

2010-07-21T20:31:00.000-07:00

Tonight's bitter sweet package of therapy and cupcakes

2010-07-21T19:19:00.000-07:00

I had my session with my HH this evening. We addressed my first CBT assignment and progress is already being made. Did you know that feelings are important to remember? I've always been keen at just locking them away someplace safe that even I don't have the key to.

A child's mind is strong and capable of avoiding feelings as self-preservation when in certain threatening situations. These feelings when brought to the surface many years later are excruciating and freeing all at once. Though quite painful, it's also a comfort pulling old memories from their locked up safes, dusting them off, and really seeing what they are, acknowledging their existence.

So after a tearful drive home I decided to make cupcakes. Here's what I ended up with:

Chocolate cupcake filled with a blueberry pastry cream (got the pastry cream recipe from Joy of Baking--thanks!) and topped with a blueberry infused semi-dark chocolate ganache. Bitter and Sweet all in one package.

Huh. I guess a lot of things come that way.

Quote of the Day

2010-07-20T21:47:00.000-07:00

I've never felt like I was in the cookie business. I've always been in a feel good feeling business. My job is to sell joy. My job is to sell happiness. My job is to sell an experience.

--Debbi Fields

Chocolate & Blueberry: Wipes away the blues!

2010-07-20T10:51:00.000-07:00

"So, you're a victim of abuse"

2010-07-19T19:40:00.000-07:00

After the customary small chit chat about the weather, the first words out of my new psychiatrist's mouth were "So, you're a victim of abuse".

Wow! My stomach dropped and I wanted to fall on the floor crying. What had my therapist wrote in my file? I suffer from depression and anxiety, my M just so happens to be one of my triggers, but I can't be an abuse victim. Can I?

It's funny how your whole outlook on everything changes when your experiences are stamped with a title. At the same time I felt like throwing up when she said these words, I also wanted to jump for joy and shout from the mountain tops "See, I told you things were bad! You just couldn't comprehend or accept how bad they were!"

Adding the word 'abuse' to anything intensifies the meaning and creates an empathetic response of immediate help. That word never was uttered from my lips in my sessions with my therapist. The only "evidence" she received from me was a 10 page letter my M gave me the last day I saw her. It was a scathing delusional letter repeating the same things she has yelled at me my entire life. It was finally put into writing. I had my proof that I wasn't overreacting. If anything, I am at fault for under reacting. After a while of being emotionally and verbally beaten you eventually become numb to it so it doesn't seem as severe, no matter how much more intense and frequent it occurs.

The words she said that made me cry-when I got in my car of course, I don't cry in front of people-were "we have to get you to start feeling emotions and enjoying the happiness in your life. You have a baby, you need to feel happy. You deserve to feel happy." A weight had been lifted from my entire body. I can finally relax and not have to be working 24 hours a day 7 days a week at making sure I don't get too happy or high on feelings so I don't plummet to rock bottom. I can let my guard down and actually focus on living, not on losing it.

Two prescriptions later and I was in my car running everything that was said over and over in my head to try to comprehend it. I went home and enjoyed the day with family. Cookies & Cupcakes were pushed to the next day.

Quote of the Day

2010-07-18T21:30:00.000-07:00

Work is the meat of life, pleasure the dessert.

--B. C. Forbes

Take time to smell the roses

2010-07-18T17:37:00.000-07:00

The Mom Standard: Guilt & The Cupcake Song

2010-07-18T13:01:00.000-07:00

The Mom Standard: Guilt & The Cupcake Song: "Do you ever have those days where you just don't feel like 'being on'? You know you should be, but you just refuse and then feel guilty? Tha..."

"Comfort in a Cookie"TM

2010-07-17T21:26:00.000-07:00

Shortycake Creations is my cookie, cupcake, party favor & planning business. It started as a hobby years ago. Focusing on decorating details were a stress reliever from my daily grind. Focusing on the details took my mind off of all the stressors that encompass my routine.

When my brother and I were brainstorming about tag lines for the business we used our own experiences. Our family is notorious for comfort eating-biscuits & gravy, pizza, cakes & pies comfort eating. When our dad was dying of lung cancer, besides the constant panic attacks and knots in my throat I also remember the constant comfort food in my mouth. The comfort was fleeting, but alas it did exist, if just a minute.

Eating one of my cookies I wanted that brief feeling of comfort my brother and I felt as we went through the worst event in our lives to envelope the person enjoying them. "Comfort in a Cookie"TM was created.

Shoot, anything with that much butter, vanilla, and sugary goodness can only be described as comforting!

Quote of the Day

2010-07-16T22:31:00.000-07:00

If I had my way everyone would have a psychiatrist. When the brain is sick and you must throw up, you do it by being purged in a psychiatrist's office.

--Hedy Lamarr

Cupcakes make the day so much sweeter!

2010-07-16T14:48:00.000-07:00

"You need to see a psychiatrist"

2010-07-16T08:36:00.000-07:00

My first meeting with my HH (she's a psychologist) was quite nerve racking. I didn't know what to expect and I feared she'd tell me to not pass Go, do not collect $200, and go directly to the 5th floor at Hinsdale Hospital! I had never talked in depth with a professional about the Big D that has been part of my life for as long as I can remember.

She asked me the typical, expected questions for a first visit. Her pen was getting much use as she wrote mysterious notes about me and what I was saying, while I was saying it. I was wondering if she was going to just tell me I was crazy and beyond help. Instead, she called the front desk and asked for referral forms. "You need to see a psychiatrist". Dejection was the emotion rumbling through my body. I was that broken that she didn't want to talk to me anymore, that she needed to send me up the river to someone better equipped (prescription pad) for crazies. My M was correct, I am the crazy one in the family!

Maybe my thoughts appeared on my face because after handing me the referral form, she said "I'll see you next week." She liked me, she really really liked me!

I went home to bake some cookies I had orders for while lamenting over the fact that I needed both a psychologist AND psychiatrist.

Where to begin...

2010-07-15T10:27:00.000-07:00

This blog came to life because of my assignment from my therapist whom I refer to as my Happy Helper (HH). At my last session (I'm on an every 2 week cycle now) she gave me my first true CBT assignment. It's due tomorrow. I haven't done it.

I'm not being stubborn or blatantly non-compliant. This assignment is the icing on the cupcake, so to speak, that will get me to the good cake part, and then to a satisfied sweet tooth. My mind has drawn a blank.

Here is the assignment (I will be going into more detail about my "issues" in other posts, so stick with me to get all the pieces of the puzzle): Sit at home with pen and paper, think back to a negative experience/incident with my M and write down every detail I can recall...from the weather, the room temp, the clothes we were wearing, my emotions at the time, smells, etc. When I was in my HH's office this assignment seemed quite easy, I have a lifetime of such incidents I can write about. Piece of cake.

It's been 13 days and everyday I have been trying to pull one of the many incidents from my memory and I am literally drawing a blank. Me, blank. I remember details down to conversations word for word. These are the memories that have kept me prisoner in my mind and my emotions all these years, and the moment I can actually use them for-me instead of as a reminder against-me, they disappear.

So, my appointment is at 8:30a.m. tomorrow. I have a large cupcake order to start and finish today. Time to start baking.

Quote of the Day

2010-07-15T07:54:00.001-07:00

The icing to the cake has changed flavors. But if you really look at the cake itself, it's really the same.

--John Oates